I, a stranger and afraid. In a world I never made.

2011-10-16T18:56:00.004+08:00

What goes around, comes back around.
It sucks to be you right now.

King King King

2011-10-04T01:30:00.003+08:00

Hellooooooo

I found my dream man...hahaha but well I'm not gonna get him la. But his hot in his smart vest and coat. Melting. Saw him at the financial talk.

My so called mentor is Suhaimi Yusof and his wife. Alrite not gonna blog about it. But it's really a good opportunity and knowledge to earn $$$$$$$ and probably become a millionaire. No kidding, they've been successful. So yeah.....

So it's just a matter of you want to do it or not. Be confident, visualise.

I can't wait for holidays. Can't wait for a stay at MBS. Definitely gonna go up the rooftop and dip in the pool.

Can't wait for whatevers unplan........let's just plan last minute la huh.

Lastly, I don't know what my heart says now. I truly much want to say NO but I'm drawing my line already. I rather be you know unhappy instead of just lying to myself. So chill ar.

I wish there's a ghost whisperer. They say whatever's done, it's done but how about things that you always wanna tell but you just don't have the opportunity. If I die, I wanna die in peace you know. Well, all the best in your life at your side. You were once there and God knows best.

LOVE YOU LIKE A SONG

2011-09-19T21:54:00.003+08:00

Woh! Woh! I..I LOVE YOU LIKE A LOVE SONG BABY!! Can you feel the electric and excitement?! Yes, I do! I do, baby!

One fine day in September 2011

2011-09-18T14:47:00.003+08:00

Having the time of my life I guess. I'm much more comfortable with people around me now. I have love, sympathy, friendship and sincerity. I guess as I grew up, I'm keeping more confidentiality. Just let the story of my life flow in my private book kept by the one above. It is interesting to be leading the life of, Ziza BlackRouge, that is me haha. Not to be proud but yup a lot of interesting things happened even though I'm only a young adult. Not too young huh? I'm gonna have middle age crisis soon oh oh. *Gasp*. As a matter of fact, Surrendered Singles still exist. After bygones and bygones happened, hey we're here again. Back to basics, ladies. I've always considered S. S as my backbone, come what may. I'm leading my life as it is, no rush, no nothing. I don't want to put any number to when I'm finally settling down. It's just not my forte yet ;) . Well I'm gonna reveal a secret here which will no more be a secret after I type it down here. Hmmm...just like the secret life of Ziza BlackRouge chey! I've been asked for the hands in marriage by a man Tadaa! And I rejected it. It's not easy, damn not easy when it already involved the families. But I'm all head up, chin's up again. :) I am very sure up in my brain here and deep in my heart, that the man was obviously not my soulmate. Hey I'm still sane okay. Not gonna sign my life away just like that. I'd rather be happier now than regret years down the road thinking it was a mistake afterall. So that's all a lil bit of sugar and spice in my life. I'm on my mission now to travel the world before I got a title, someone's Mrs hahahaha. May Allah bless my life. Amin.

As it is now.

2011-05-22T01:30:00.003+08:00

When was the last time I updated?
16th April...righhhhtttt.
Because on the 16th April something did happened.
So it's been more than a month old.
I must be lying if I say I'm not happier now.
I'm just being myself and leading life as it is.
No high hopes, no expectations just as simple, as it is now :)
Afterall, my 'teenagehood' crush is already getting married.
I found him after several years and wondered so much who has been flying all this while. Guess what? He's the one. He's the air- steward!
I used to call him as the 'motor putih guy' (The guy with the white bike) cause I don't even know his name all along.
All I could remember is him and his bike at that point of time.
I met him again just to found out that he's already engaged and getting married.
It doesn't matter how much I jokingly bragged about it to my lil cousins but still, he's not for me afterall la huh....sad eh?
Hahahaha...like as if he would go head over heels for me.
So let's just smile and be happy for him.
Who knows, his other half and him would be my neighbour one day!
You never know haha.
But it was a blessing in disguise I guess.
I found a happier route all along the way.

2011-04-16T04:32:00.000+08:00

Love always makes me Haunted, another epic story.

PERFECT

2011-04-13T00:13:00.003+08:00

I'm the girl who tries to be perfect but it all comes to a disaster.

I was told that,

"Wanting to be perfect is the start of all disasters because the world isn't perfect either"

I heed and nailed down those words.

And now I love being imperfect.

Imperfections makes me unique and above all I learnt from my mistakes.

At the end of the day, things will just pass by very smoothly

and I know I'm always protected by God.

I won't shy away to admit that I always gets into trouble and made wrongdoings

because of my own mistakes and carelessness.

I may look decent and all but god knows how many times I've got

myself into real deep trouble. Yup *gulp*

Sometimes it can be quite intense and stressful to always have

to portray a good- mannered, decent, well- behaved, respectable, vigilant, responsible and all kinds of good things a human being could possibly hold.

It's not easy. It has never been easy.

Especially when you hold a title as a 'Teacher'.

You will hear things like, "A teacher shouldn't be doing all this"

"She's a teacher. How could she be possibly do that?"

"Teacher this.....Teacher that....Teacher, teacher, teacher, it's all your fault"

Of course, I feel cooped up at times.

I feel I can't be real, the really real self of being me.

Like there's too many restrictions.

And hell yeah...over the years I've restrict myself A LOT.

By nature, I'm a happy- go- lucky person, spiritual, jovial, adventurous

and hates confinement.

But I guess over the years and situations changed my characters.

I miss being that old being.

I can't say being an educator has bring it all down...

Being in the education line has taught me a lot and build

positive characters that I never knew I have.

In other words, its beneficial.

Well, I need a change. I'm going to do it for

myself and not for others. Unless I can pass it all through la...then

I'll go *phewwwwww* at lasssstttt.

And talking about imperfections,

I'm glad I'm in good terms with the ex which I damn before.

Haha..I'm good, he's good.

We should have just decide to be friends and not more than that.

The best thing is, he admits his mistakes and he accepted my imperfections

like he has known me for long.

It's nice to know that the feeling of hatred or hating or anger is gone.

See, we could really talk to each other

and I noticed he's been different.

He's becoming more like a man and talks like a man.

I hope he continues to be more mature haha.

And maybe one day, I'll just accept his invitation to his wedding

and be happy for him :)

JUNKIE

2011-04-10T14:53:00.002+08:00

I rummaged through and was clearing up my bag and these are what I found....

Makkkkk aiiiiiii........

Soon, I'll be a junkie (-_____-)

CHOCOLATE

2011-04-10T12:40:00.005+08:00

CHOCOLATES!!

Need I mention more of how much I love chocolate??

Haha...well most people must have already knew by now that chocolate can makes a person feel good. It contains a chemical called "phenylethylamine" that makes a person feels, HAPPY!

Do you know that I'M SO HOT I CAN MELT CHOCOLATE?!

Haha again!! Indeed all human beings are able to melt chocolate. This is because chocolate first change from a solid to a liquid at about 84F. The normal temperature of a person is about 98F. Thus, people are HOT ENOUGH to melt chocolate!

That is why it will melt in your mouth. Chocolate will also melt in your hand except M&Ms because they have sugar coating.

It takes a lot of work to make chocolate so do appreciate it please.

I hope one day I will be able to visit the Chocolate Town in USA, Pennsylvania, the home of Hershey's chocolate. It will surely be fun and a learning experience.

I wonder, wonder, wonder, if I can be a chocolatier one fine, awesome day. Hmmmm...

DAMN!

2011-04-09T08:01:00.004+08:00

This is the point of time I've started to get lazy
to go for appointments with the Doctor.
DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!
Can I just not go anymore??
I don't get what the Doctor trying to say
He even gave me a "HW" on a piece of paper
which I don't know where I keep it already HAHA
I've skipped taking my medicine for a week now!
But seems that I'm okay lor.
I knew exactly what can makes me get better and forget about being sick.
No la I'm not sick la....I'm actually alright... *self denial eh?*
I just want to get out of this!!
Like I said I knew what can makes me feel better again
but then again it's rather very hard to get 'what can makes me feel better'.
I am being straight-forward here hehe!
I'm not lying....it's hard to get 'my medicine'.
I gave up most of the times and just let it be ~~~~~~
Sometimes I wish someone can take over my worries and problems
I just hate to be in this kinda situation but I knew this is my life.
I've to lead it whether I like it or not,
whether people can accept me in the future or not,
or whether whatever they can think of.
I still love doing things on my own to just be relax for a moment.
I love to read.
I love to sit at my favourite cafe and sip in my favourite chocolate drink.
I love to just sit and read.
And I found out that my perception is true based
on research that shows that these things can just made me
DIE YOUNG.
Well....GOD knows better.
I believe everyone's days are numbered.

ONE MOVIE

2011-04-07T21:43:00.001+08:00

YOU KNOW what I WANT?
I want ONE MOVIE
where the heroine is really
fat.... and ugly too.
And she has a romance and
there's a happy ending and
she doesn't get
killed or turn back into
Gwyneth Paltrow or Jessica Alba
JUST ONE!
With all the
open-mindedness
about sexuality,
this is one
story you never,
ever see.
IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

HOTTT!!!

2011-04-02T23:10:00.003+08:00

Jay Sean is sooo hotttt can?? Handsome ar!! Speaking of hot and handsome, just wanna share something here hehe. Puas hati di Golden Chance hahaha! Know why? I bought my white gold bangle from there (didn't know my old jewellery cost near to $2K puass hati arr!! And I trade it for the bangle which cost near to $2K also whooo!) Okay sidetrack sikit eh...I want to promote Golden Chance ar...baik punye kedai! Because there's a particular handsome guy as the 'sales promoter'....serious ar tak tipu okay hot giler he's like Remy Ishak or Adam in 'Nur Kasih' but he's hotter! Alamak cair ar babe...I shy you know. Can't even look into his eyes. He is such an eye candy!! Don't believe go Golden Chance okay. Omg tonite cannot sleep ar...think about him! :)

OH WELLS

2011-03-28T00:15:00.002+08:00

Can you all see the rainbow in the above picture??!!

I was soooo happy and excited to see the rainbow!!

I even counted and named all the visible colours.

Deep inside, I was longing to see a rainbow after I get a 'lil' better.

Thank God...the feeling was like over the top :D

So hello blog I'm back again after going through a very

'Adventurous' week in my entire life.

It was terrible...no not terrible more like if there're a word worst than

terrible then that's that la hahaha...ya I felt that

I've just woken up from a terrible nightmare but everything was so fast

happening in just like a blink.

And here I am again getting better...alhamdulilah with all the prayers

and miracles God gave me. It was blessed.

More of blessings in disguise.

I don't wish to disclose it but I didn't expect myself and my life to go this far.

It's just like my body...it is unpredictable.

I can never be thankful enough, really.

Everything's is slowly under control now...my happiness is slowly sipping in.

I accept what had happened and I shall put it behind as my past.

Right now, I just have to focus on my recovery, treatments and medicines.

I'm on a daily medication now and I had a doctor who really cares.

He made everything seems so simple and easy.

He even made my jab less painful and in the end, I smiled.

Although it's gonna be long term but I had to have this courage

to get better and get well.

2011-03-20T14:54:00.002+08:00

I think I really need to talk to a doctor. Oh myyyyy goddddd!!!
I know I really need a prescription for that medicine.
I cannot be strong anymore for this...

2011-03-19T18:01:00.005+08:00

There's just no use pondering like this.

I FEEL LIKE SHIT!!!

I just gotta be straightforward...no nonsense or else I can't keep calm.
The rest is up to God, really.
Whaooooo....it feels like its between life and death now (Ya, like real haha)

Sometimes I gotta fight you know despite insecurities.
It may not be what I want but I never had this certain feeling that this is just

what I need and that can mean a lot and wholesome lot of everything!

Dear Allah, please guide me along...show me the light.

I know you're always with me and Syukur Alhamdulilah

for protecting me and for everything you've given me.

I can just be moved to tears for everything God has given me.

I might go astray but in whatever I do I will seek blessing from Mom and every happy

and hard times, there's always God to turn to.

Indeed, HE's the closest I have.

Insyallah, if HE has agreed upon this is it, then this is it for me.

2011-03-19T09:00:00.002+08:00

Is this the season whereby you like somebody but don't dare to tell? There's moments where I gave everything a pass....like I keep dragging the time and tell myself there's still tomorrow but tomorrow never happens and then *pooofftt* he's gone. I feel that I don't deserve it, to feel the love or I'm just afraid. As I aged, I felt more vunerable and scared. Now where's all that 'daring' goes? Sometimes I would say 'Just forget about it la' because situations just makes me slows down more. Now to tell or not to tell? Leave it to fate and miracles jelah eh....kalau ade, adelah...kalau takde, sudah bole belah. I'm not rushing. If you give me things to rush, yes I will rush but in this kinda thing, I hate rushing anymore. Anyway, I'm getting better. Treatment therapy really does helped a lot. Thanks to my therapist. But I've got a new discovery. Its not serious but it's kinda funny haha. My right wrist is twisted. It just can't be straightened. It tends to bend and not straighten. Okay till then, goodbye! Happy Weekends people!

2011-03-10T01:10:00.004+08:00

Just my personal thoughts.....

No matter how decent or nice you are,

people will still think twisted about you.

Therefore, just be whatever you wish to be.

People will still keep on talking.

The biggest liar in the world is THEY SAY ~ Ziza

Health talk!

2011-03-05T12:32:00.002+08:00

Yo! Health talk, anyone? You ready? Okay, go!

I was told I had a scar, an old injury on my left side. Tissue is torn

and it's hollow. Another discovery about my body. One after another.

Don't worry, I still can take it.

I don't really remember what really happens

but I had a few falls and an accident that hit me to the ground so hard.

It hurts so much but didn't know the falls was dangerous.

Right now, I'm bearing with it.

So people, please don't take your falls as nothing serious.

It is. Just look at me, the after effect of pain was great beyond words. Hoho.

Just imagine...I'm talking about the truth now, the reality. First thing first,

if miracles were to happen and I got pregnant, carrying a child in the womb is going to be real hard and painful for me. My back couldn't support the weight of my heavy tummy. Just thinking about it make me jitters. Don't talk about being pregnant, if I had too bloated stomach if I feed myself till I'm full...no question asked, I'm already in pain. On top of that, my muscles gets hard and sitting down can be difficult. What more, lying down. I need to adjust here and there. It feels like my spine is ready to comes out anytime and rip off my flesh. Ya, that's how 'awesome' it feels.

Even on particular days, when it gets real bad, when I laughed I can feel pain in the muscles but still I wanna laugh hard. That's bad huh? Even laughter can be a pain. I'm undergoing treatment every single week until I don't know when. Going to treatment itself is painful. I had tears in my eyes but I control so it won't flow. Getting teary just wouldn't help either. I was taught not to cry over pain anymore. But then again, this isn't as bad as when I bleed, that's hell. My nose can still recall the pungent smell of my own fresh blood. Haha, astonishment much. I had to adjust my diet too. No cold drinks and no food that makes me feel bloated.

To some I am "Ziza, you're surely a strong person" or "Omg Ziza, you're such a strong girl to go through all the pain" but being strong physically is just not enough. Most of the time, I have to deal more with my emotional and the mind. I had no one closest to me to express the feel of pain except Mom. But Mom will just hear me out, she won't even dare to touch me. I don't blame her because she's not a professional to cure me.

Sometimes my wishful thinking wants badly someone special to coax me, to make me feel better, make me laugh all the time but yeah at some point of time, I thought it's very selfish of me. I'm glad I'm single, I didn't want anyone to worry, pity, feel sad or sacrifice things just because I'm 'ill'. He should be happier with someone else who is fit and healthy. Unless he's like Chris Medina in American Idol '11, I swear I will love him whole-heartedly. That's one man with a real heart :)

Yup, I don't let anything anymore to get on my way to make me feel happy. A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in doctor's book. I should own the happiness even if the sky is falling down!

2011-03-02T01:06:00.003+08:00

Happy!! :)

I must really thanked Elizabeth Vercoe and Kerry Abramowski.
It really helps me alot.
Farewell to me.

Grief

2011-02-27T16:26:00.004+08:00

Grief

It is that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that you go to sleep with and wake up with.

It is the tears rolling down your face as you squeeze your face in the pillow or bathing under the shower.

It is not being able to say what you want to say.

It is wanting to talk to someone about something but just can't quite manage it.

It is wishing you were somewhere else, never being comfortable anywhere.

It is clutching and grasping at memories.

It is that too often mood swings.

It is long walks to nowhere in particular.

It is scatterdness, the inability to concentrate and the need to do something all the time OR do nothing at all.

It is not remembering things lately.

It is hysterical laughter at inappropriate times.

It is guilt when you forget about it for even a moment.

It is when you become more tired than usual.

It is when you feel unusually lonely.

It is when you feel you just don't want to be around people, you want to be by yourself a lot.

It is when you feel numb, like everything is going around you but you're not really there.

It is when you miss something or someone so much that it physically hurts.

It is doubting yourself or feeling like you're worthless.

It is when you feel everything is 'hopeless'.

It is when you find yourself asking 'why' a lot.

It is when you feel you have no control over what happens to you.

It is tidal wave breaking over you.

It is when you feel vulnerable.

It is overwhelming.

It is all-consuming.

It is never-ending.

It is everything.

It is impossible.

Fighting this is not easy. Fighting this 'virus' is not easy. Fighting this pain is not easy. Sometimes I just cannot endure the pain anymore that I imagine myself in the hospital bed doing nothing at all and stares at the blank wall.
I AM SICK OF BEING SICK!!! *SCREAMS!!!*

Sick!

2011-02-24T22:08:00.003+08:00

I heard this while waiting for the doctor...so epic or what? Sickening and paining all in one. But I need more than a doctor. I need more than a therapist. When I'm alone I feel so blue. I just can't take the negativity, the damage done to my body. My lower part is all messed up inside. It's weighing me down and under and that's how I get a weak back support. The therapist even shake her head in atonishment looking at the 2 years accumulated damage done inside. It might lead to cancer. When I heard 'cancer', it's terrifying. Tell me who on earth is not scared? My ovary is affected too. My god. My heart sank to the ground. Till now, this moment I still felt a lump in my heart. That's how much hurting the news is. You know how much deep inside I desire to become a mother. I had so much complication. It's gonna be really a miracle if things happen. Sad cannot take it. Like speechless, just don't know what to say. I'm completely imperfect. So who's willing to accept me whole-heartedly with this condition? Am I going to recover completely? I don't know. I'm just depending on treatments now and God.

So emotional like that huh? I really sound like a sicko who lose all hope to live. Cannot like that right. Let's put all those feelings aside. Be strong and be patient. Mcm biase jugak. Gonna find an entertainment. Where's entertainment? I need a holiday, can?

Shopaholic!

2011-02-19T13:35:00.004+08:00

I LOVE JESSIE J!!!

It's true money can't buy us happiness but I use money for my temporary happiness. I think I'm growing up to be a materialistic. Blame my situation. When I'm stressed, I do this, I do that. I'm becoming to be more like Isla Fisher in 'Confessions of a Shopaholic'. Seriously, I see myself like her. I is sanggup line up with other shoppers just to get the latest designer handbags. And when the big door of the entrance opens, everbody fleeds in like nobody's business and grab whatever nice they can see. And I is sanggup check out the latest Zara collections before I went down straight to the boutiques etc. Like that la...and I swipe my 'magic card' a lot. Luckily, tak bankrupt. Betol, serious. Hur hur. But I'm trying to control myself. I think I should give a pat on my back for not RSVP Reebonz sales at the F1 Pit today. But I'm disappointed you know.

:( Very, very disappointed because I didn't go. I'm controlling, remember? But I want to get another Kate Spade. I already have my eyes on it. It's so elegant! Omg! So omg!! I just bought a Couch classic black last week. Crazy or not? Crazy right?? Crazy, crazy, crazy. Am I the only one like this?? I'm so bored. Maybe I should just attend the catwalk session recommended by someone. Learning how to walk right in heels haha. Since I ditched another interview today. Mom don't approved anymore. SIGH some more!! SIGH!!

2011-02-18T12:41:00.002+08:00

You don't need to be jealous of me, seriously.
Nothing to be jealous about....I'm not some hotstuff or whatever.
If things gets difficult, then don't bother me la....let me do my own stuff.
Haiya...susahlah macam ni...same story jugak.
Jadi single susah, tk jadi single pun susah....abih nak jadi ape sekarang??!

BLAH!

2011-02-16T22:40:00.003+08:00

I wonder whether this is the usual moody fucked up days.
You see, in the end I'm the one feeling that so much.
Eventhough I try to compose myself, things turns out be challenging at the same time funny and painful. Very funny. Funny, funny. Heh. It goes round, and round, and round, and round again and again. Like that la.
Wahlau....I seriously need a dose of laughter.
After that incident on 14 Feb, I felt a terrible effect, physically.
I felt sick. If I break my bone, I don't know what to say already.
Try to find comfort at home, but war's at home.
I didnt break down because of 14 Feb, but it's more of fighting makes me so sad especially when it involves my folk's marriage. I used to think so negatively and just be prepared for the worse to come. It sucks ya but I think everyone's pretending. You people just have no idea how it seriously breaks my heart. If everything's at the verge and there's nothing else to say.............yes its so sucky............if it fails, I will seriously lose hope. Fuck la fuck ok.
And talking about at the verge, I just had more sad news coming by. My cousin is in the hospital. In critical condition, admitted in ICU. Breathing is a difficult and painful thing for him. He cried. And he's still young, not married. God bless him. If I were him, it's definitely so dreadful. The worst of the worst. I pray hard God will give him a miracle to live. I want to see him. Still finding time though.
And yes I know this is life. Sooner or later I'll be gone too.
And I know there's commotion about me now....bebual la korg, bebual. Ape2 jelah and sape2 jelah....korg memang tau bebual je...in the end, aku sorang jugak. Tido lagi best. Bangun tido, kalah org ade hangover hehe. Arrggghh shit!

New York City

2011-02-13T13:24:00.003+08:00

Would love to drive through here some day.

The New York City vibes just rushed in.

2011-02-12T19:21:00.003+08:00

CHAPTER 13

I kept saying to myself today, "Why the hell am I here??"

when I was wondering about aimlessly, alone.

Yes, you read it right. ALONE.

I'm supposed to be surrounded with people showing me some love

but I just don't know why I end up being alone.

Ziza and being alone goes along so well, so cliche.

I felt I was being ditch but well, it's okay, it's alright.

Chill. Double Chill.

So while walking aimlessly, I just need something to cheer up. Came across Hershey's Chocolate World..omg! I feel like buying the whole store but let's not be greedy. Chocolates are indeed magic. The moment it melts in my mouth and goes down my throat, automatically it just boost my whole system.

Should have buy the kisses la haiya!

Now I'm home but nobody's home. See, I told ya. Me being alone is so cliche. At least, I didn't have the urge to cry. If I wanted to cry, I'll just stuff myself with more chocs! I just hate waiting. Waiting because something awful just happened.

2011-02-12T01:20:00.003+08:00

Awesome and awful has two great meanings. It's mummy's birthday. And I just have to cry. I fear of what's going to happen when the sun rises on the 12th of Feb and at the same time

I've to smile for the sake of the most important person in my life, mummy.

Mummy do you know that I see tears in my eyes today?

It's not because I'm sad.

I fear oh~ my heart will break with all the little creations.

Mummy, I want to put this to an end. I seriously do.

Pray for me. Pray with me.

Today's a gamble Mummy, and somewhat like a Monopoly game.

You win some, you lose some.

It's either I go home to you today, smiling widely from ear to ear or

with puffy eyes and shattered hearts.

Sometimes you just don't know what to expect, the best or the worst,

That's LIFE.

Good luck to me.

2011-02-10T20:19:00.002+08:00

I'm just taking a chill pill. An unusual but minor detail could be the only thing standing in the way of why I stumble upon things. Everything's written for me nicely. I just have to be there to make it happen.

Ben & Jerry

2011-02-10T19:09:00.004+08:00

Ben & Jerry Good Day!

Even if we've grown up, have our own family in the future and get busy with life,
I'll still keep them like my own treasures. I know I should be thankful.

2011-02-04T11:19:00.001+08:00

Cause you're amazing just the way you are :)

KPO

2011-01-30T18:43:00.006+08:00

The last day I'm wearing my old long tresses is the day at the airport sending Bibik (househelper) back home

where I stick out tongues with the girl.

Cari gadoh, cari pasal.

And now it's like this! I go for Victoria Beckham's this time round. I'm just loving it!

I like how Kelvin the stylist get his hands on my tresses.

Got a new highlights to complete the look and tadaa!

Whoooo! I tell you I've always love short hairstyles. Just suits me :)

Even everybody says so.

Not trying to follow suit anybody or become their follower or something like that huh.

It's just me. It's just the hair that suits me. And truthfully, it's my hair.

But so what if I copy people or decide to have the same haircut? Does it gonna hurt you very much? HAHA! Too bad la if it does. Same goes to whatever I choose to do, whoever I go out with or whoever I befriend with. I'm not the one who have a problem with anyone. Just think thoroughly, so far I come clean with everybody but how about you? It's NOT ME, it's YOU. So don't go around telling ridiculous things that involve me. Get your facts right first. I'm not a fool to follow people. Doesn't mean you're not in good terms with A or B, I have to follow suit you. Follow people for what? Waste of time only and everybody's different. Even if you try to compare my life and my bff, they're completely different from mine. Oh yeah...you already knew the difference right? Because you're so busybody mah. Or jealous about things? Glad if you're jealous then. Or I know! My life's so interesting what...very interesting that every single things needs to be pry on. If you ever feel a tinge of any feeling that involve me, then sorry lor. If you want to pry some more, be my guest...I just don't bother la. Don't care, don't bother because I have A LIFE.

I am me. I am myself. I'm glad I'm not two faced.

Go take a look at yourself in the mirror first.

If you landed here and read this post then omg, it's a fact you're a KAYPOH.

Go get a life k. Peace.

2011-01-23T14:37:00.004+08:00

Hello Singapore!

I felt like a tourist in my own country.

Just look!!

This is all because of Riana!

Yeay she's back for holidays from Adelaide

so that explains why these pictures of Singapore icon.

She's jakun mah...but not bad la she still knows the route in Sg.

We hopped from one place to another.

I brought them around Scape and Esplanade for performance theatres at the bay

and we walk around some more at some areas and end the day for supper at Mc D's AMK.

Phewww...I am lucky these 2 ladies never end up bashing me up when I brought

them around these mostly youngster ports and places because I wanted to. Ho ho. They threatened to bashed me up if it's not enjoying for them hahaha. But all I could hear and witnessed are their laughters, singings, dancings and more silly moves and rantings. We were awed by the voice of the lady from Will's Invasion. Ayuuuuuu....your voice so nice. She had this really powerful vocals. Anyway I'm coming to more Will's Invasion and De Fam performances if they invited me again. :D

Support local talent la...so if there's another upcoming event for Kyabare Seizou, it's easy, I have spotted a lot.

Have fun with reasons behind. Hehe.

2011-01-16T23:55:00.005+08:00

Arranged flower bouquet ,
Arranged marriage
They're just the same.

Hate it, Love it?
You decide.

Burlesque

2011-01-16T00:38:00.005+08:00

Christina Aguilera has indeed a beautiful voice

and she could really act well too!

Burlesque is a must watch for those who's amazed with her amazing

voice and an inspiration for those who are chasing their dreams that's obviously not

so easy to grasped. So go watch!

Here's one song that features her. She is the fire starter of this song and the rest is beautiful. Indeed there's a lot of meaning behind these Castle Walls.

I've got a confession. Someone appears in front of me like a firework and suddenly vanished like magic! Haha. Life is so interesting you know. (-__-) Zzzzzz.
NEXT!!

2011-01-15T09:32:00.006+08:00

Every girl thinks that she can change a player.

But the truth is it's not the player that NEEDS to

be changed.

It's the GIRL because every player is on a MISSION

to find that ONE girl that makes him LOSE his

DESIRE to play the GAME.

2011-01-09T20:55:00.003+08:00

Don't trust too much

Don't love too much
Don't hope too much
Because that too much can hurt you so much.
I'm reminding myself here...bottom line is, don't expect too much because the next moment you know, things can be so heartbreaking macam nak mati.
It's the kind of things that I don't want to know, I don't want to have, I don't want it to stay but I've got to go through it. Mainly known by others as 'obstacles'. Do you have it? I have it too. He, She, You, Him and Her. Nobody is spared. In other words, nobody is alone in going through obstacles because everyone have it. And like the saying goes, 'Be strong. Have faith', it's good to rekindle the light of life again and wonder why things happens for a reason. There's something to ponder about but I need to sleep. Don't worry then, be happy ;)

2011-01-08T13:04:00.002+08:00

Hello. It's just the first week of 2011 and I already had so much going on. After all the cryings and wailings, I found Roushen at the end of the day. He reminds me of the boy I met somewhere in 2007. Oh boy, he's so cute :) Seriously cute. Everyone should meet him one day and agree with me.

'Pink Panther' captured me and what I need. So that's what I call it, the camera I mean. What I need now is just this...

Yes, chocolates! I hope chocolates can help me. I'm leading a 'silly life' right now. So much of not wanting what I don't want to do anymore. And life here, it's not helping either. Maybe only my cousin knows, I can die of getting pressurised hurhur. Maybe cousin know, why I'm hating things so much and why I've always wanted to run. Try to be in my place, see whether you can take it, see whether you like it or not. But sometimes I try to be strong and get some love here. I feel pity for myself, like everything's slowing me down. I'm getting the signs of sickness again. I thanked Mom for massaging me. I can't take the pain. At least it heals the pain a little. I think I need massage weekly if not I'll just feel nothing but pain. Like I've said, I have pledged not to go therapy anymore because it is inconvenient. Work is one of the reasons I exert myself. I can't expect myself to be so soft in motion, I must be active and fast-paced all the time. Pain is making me cranky and emotional all in one. I told ya. Pain is kinda part of my life.

I hate a lot of things now. I hate. I hate. I hate. I even cry for the first time after so long because I hate so much. I hate feeding myself with 'Everything's going to be alright maybe not today but eventually'. Yup. I hate. Want to know what I hate so much? No one can be trusted. If you think I have trust issues, think again. There must be a reason why I don't trust.

AND...I'm surprised. I didn't know. They're engaged! It's so nonsensical and funny altogether to think about the past especially about him but yeah...all I can say is, God bless their relationship. Alhamdulilah. Congratulations.

So back to me. Till then, living this momentum life. Perhaps I should observe the little things in life that makes it beautiful. Life's so beautiful. Oh yeah. Peace. :)

2011-01-03T16:45:00.003+08:00

When I felt just about worthless...
but no matter how many quotes and song lyrics I post up or however how much I write my heart out, sometimes words just can't describe how I feel.
I just have to feel it for myself and that's all there is to it.

2011-01-03T15:36:00.004+08:00

My new toy, device and helper :D

Finepix z300 3.0" LCD Touch-Screen and it comes with a stylus. Just in time of what I needed because my Canon dropped in Bali and the lens is spoiled but I havn't send it for service. Boohoo! I felt so sad but I just kept quiet but yeay I got this touch-screen digital camera which I don't really need to worry about the lens getting spolied when it drop because the lens is not like any other ordinary lens where it zooms in and out. It doesn't need all that zooming in and out as it is static...just there!

It's available in four colours.

And I choose the pink one!

Happy capturing photos!

LOVE

2011-01-02T08:37:00.005+08:00

Love is handing someone a gun and letting it point to your head believing that he won't pull the trigger.

My own interpretation of love is not by saying 'I love you'.

Love is keeping quiet for other's sake.

Love is a sacrifice.

Love is giving up your happiness for someone else happiness.

The things I do is just not between my love-hate

relationship with the man

but it goes to say for everyone else that matters to me

be it my family and my friends.

I know most of the time they're not aware of how

hurtful they can make me feel but

I choose not to show,

ignore my feelings for a moment and attend to them.

They may say or do things out of desperation

due to a lot of reasons.

Look, I see it as I'm not the only one getting pressurised but

they're pressurised by things too.

Thus, if love is great...I hope everyone won't be surprised if I

decided to make an abrupt decision to 'get well'.

Trust me, it wasn't even any part of my plans in life.

I just have this very strong feeling to do it.

Keeping quiet is demolishing me so much inside.

It's been a while I've not been posting about 'Love'. So there you go.

Feels like playing Russian Roulette in the casino LOL...just a random thought.

Happy NEW YEAR 2011

2010-12-31T16:34:00.003+08:00

Let's LOCA LOCA LOCA to the year 2011!

My resolution is simple, I want an Audi :D It's okay to have big dreams right? Hahaha...who knows I might get one few years down the road.

Alrite let's be serious. My resolution is to save up more $$$. I even have a coin bottle that I got from the exchange gift and I already start putting coins in it. Well, saving up is important ya know. Same goes to having insurance and investments. I might look so gullible and nerdy and geeky, like I don't know anything but I know my stuffs. Financial planning is extra important for me. It's not about materialism but the fact is, in order to live we need money. It doesn't matter if your company pays you little but if you set your priorities right, you'll survive anyway. So if you havn't start, let's make 2011 resolution to save up your dollars.

My wish in 2011...to be in the pink of health. 2010 bring lots of physical painful moments for me thus I don't want that anymore. Absolutely, I must thank God for letting me live and experience another new year coming in.

Well, Hello 2011!! Looking forward to a brighter you :)
Happy New Year everyone.

2010-12-30T01:08:00.002+08:00

Reflection time!

I thought growing up was something that happened automatically as you got older.

But it turns out that it's something you have to choose to do.

Not that I dislike growing up but sometimes everything just happens so suddenly and like a big bang of plastic coloured balls all thrown to you at one time. Like woah..I never expected that. But hey, I tried to be kind to my own shadow. It's like I'm all that I've got. I gave myself chances. I gave myself a chance to get a breather. I quit rushing over things. I guess I've outgrown the norm things that keeps haunting me. The biggest problem in the world could have been solved when it is still small. To be happy, all I've got to do is be the master of my fate, the captain of my soul but I'll not hesitate should the chance befall on me, I'll be the slave of my heart. Sometimes you've got to follow the heart because the brain just screw things up, right? Ho ho ho. The key word is, I live my life.

PS: I've started to love the colour, sunkist orange and I'm always hungry...I dare not weigh myself but am I happy or what?? Hur hur.

2010-12-25T16:59:00.006+08:00

As I take life to new extremes....

I tried DIVING in the middle of the sea in Bali!!

I look awkward here..like super wanting to drown already hahahaha!!

Well hello, first thing first I don't know how to swim. I just know the basics from swimming lessons in elementary school but really, I don't know how to swim HAHA but I survived diving!! I'm so terrified and so focused about my breathing that I don't quite enjoy seeing the fishes swim right in front of me. Maybe next time I'll learn to relax and just enjoy the underwater view. It was a superb experience I must say. Didn't have the chance to try surfing, it is very tempting to feel and be in the waves. Parasailing was opted out also because of bad weather condition.

Surfing and parasailing soon. I just don't feel like going home but I'm home already heh.
I love Bali, seriously.

2010-12-15T10:31:00.004+08:00

Promise This

Love the dance chereograph and the bold red lipstick...so rouge. I remember I had only put on a red lipstick during a bridal shoot to suit the outfit. Anyway, another Cheryl's song that makes me sing along all day :D

2010-12-13T22:51:00.003+08:00

As we grow up, we realise it becomes less important to have more friends and more important to have real ones.

I've nailed it down. I've got it. I might have done or say something wrong that's beyond my control. When I'm at my weakness point, maybe I spout things that I'm not suppose to. Yes? No? Then, I apologise for that. Let me remind again, I'm just human. And human have all sorts of feelings and the most important feeling that they want to feel is of course, to be HAPPY. Hey, same here. Feeling happy is important. But you know what? I'm just disappointed that it's just not right for me to seek happiness from friends that I trusted but instead I have to find all the happiness in the world on my own. It's true that I control my own happiness but what am I suppose to do when all the happiness that I thought would last a little longer and wait up for me, fails on me? Do I have to slowly die because of depression? No help, no seek from anyone, nothing...so what am I left with? I'm entitled to find happiness on my own when everybody's telling me I'm not suppose to be alone. Hurhur how contradicting things can be? Maybe you forget who used to pick up your calls at wee hours at 2 or 3 in the morning, feeling devastated and sad and runs to me for comfort. Even though I really hate people disturbing my sleep at that hour, I still feel that it is important to pick up the calls because you are my friend. Maybe you've forgotten me, your friend.

Maybe I'm not even your friend, just the normal 'people come and people go'.

Tell you what, I don't even need your birthday wish if you just exist to remind me to make myself happy all by myself. From what I see things, you're just telling me to be selfish.

Well people, this is life. My start of as a 22 years old...at the end of the day I can either focus on what's tearing me apart or what's holding me together. I'm wiser now.

2010-12-13T21:57:00.004+08:00

December the 13TH

I'm Double- Two finally!!

Birthdays are reminders that God had given me another year to breathe, to live and to walk on this Earth. Thank you God. May everyone's blessings and prayers be with me throughout my lifetime. Amin.

2010-12-10T19:39:00.003+08:00

Love the way you lie Part 2

Just a lady's thought...her own piece of mind. It give me chills how this song and every single part of the lyrics is so cliche to mine. I feed myself with a lot of 'It's over now'...it's really over now. Over. I really see no point of keeping someone in my life if I feel that I'm always at lost, my pride is being stepped on and I always have this revengeful feeling and fighting is so momentum in almost everyday that it keeps me satisfied. I don't get what the person is trying to convey. First you love me then you hate me to the core then you love me back and then hate me to death. Lost your mind already? Its just crazy. Sometimes I wish I could wake up and not feel that awful, familiar ball of gut wrenching dread at the thought of another battle day. Get what I mean? Thank you for asking me to get lost. I really appreciate that 'finally get lost' battle because I'm confident enough I'm much happier without you even though how scary everything is, I still have a problem. The problem is, I love you, idiot.

2010-12-10T17:55:00.004+08:00

I'm sure gonna miss the times when I'm home alone.

I will blast out loud the volume from the radio when

I'm eating on the couch

(when Mom's around, she dislike this behaviour haha),

when I'm in the kitchen,

when I'm doing housework

or doing everything else.

I just love music around me, I mean who doesn't?

Feels so carefree and independent and I even dream if I have a house of my own...hmm...I would want the same comfortable couch and stool where I can simply lie down after a hard day's at work.

I am sure gonna miss the NO RULES period.

They're coming back...VERY SOON in a few hours time! :D

2010-12-10T17:09:00.002+08:00

Just Tonight

And someone said,

"Ziza , you might be too tied up in work to concentrate on romantic issues for a while."

Heh. Really? May I correct your sentence? I work hard to avoid romantic issues for...seems forever and always.

Heck! Raise your glass to girls out there, the strong ones, those who never gave up

even if it hurts so much inside. To those who put up with the lies, betrayal, the tears and sleepless nights, the wasted hours and days waiting for a call that never came. To those girls who learn from the hurt and pain, moved on and become stronger. They're not girls no more, they're women. Cheers!!

2010-12-08T22:46:00.002+08:00

Advance Birthday Candle to Blew On!! *Phoofff*

Thank you for the Swensens treat and the big piece of cake :D

I was already so full but I've to finished up the cake and they happily tell me off,
"This the only way we can saboo you!"
and then laughed.
YA RIGHHTTT
Nevertheless, I was happy.
Thank you everyone!
5 more days to my birthday.
So what would you do if your birthday falls on a freaking MONDAY?
Simple!! Don't make it BLUE.
There's really no reason for someone to be blue in December
because a lot of awesome things happens in December.

Firstly, it's the holiday month. Everybody's on vacation.

Secondly, you get BONUS, pay double double extra extra right?

Thirdly, SALES SALES everywhere shopping is so heaven.

Fourth, Christmas! You got lots of presents.

Fifth, Zoukout!

Sixth, New Year!! Party!!

Last but not least..you must all really look forward to this,

MY BIRTHDAY!! YIPPEEE!!!
HAHAHA!!

But my truly and sincerely birthday wish is for my Mom and Dad to touch down safely back to Sg...I really miss them so much. It's really not easy without them. I'm looking forward to fetch them at the airport. Only then, I can really enjoy my birthday :)

2010-12-08T19:28:00.004+08:00

Well, Hello!

I think I better start to think about packing my luggage NOW

because there's A LOT to bring!

Don't you think I'm very particular about my things?

Indeed I am.

When I travel, I will put my own shampoo, conditioner, body bath

in small bottles and carry it in the luggage.

I just dislike using the hotels/ resorts bath set.

Their shampoos makes my hair very dry.

I found this attractive coloured aluminium mini bottles at Daiso.

$2.00 each...worth the buy huh?

Perfumes miniature or Eu De Toilette is very important.

Easy to carry anywhere...so I'll bring the Juicy Couture miniature

in my handcarry and a bigger bottle of perfume in the luggage.

Holiday must mandi minyak wangi mah..Hahaha!

And I'm very particular about where I put my accesories when travelling.

The necklace keeps on getting entangled here and there like nobody's business

or I just couldn't find the other pair of earring as it went missing somewhere.
So I use this jewellery roll from Victoria Secrets.

It comes with zip pockets too to put bangles and rings inside.

Easy peasy to find in the luggage right?

Now...I've to find storage to contain my medicines and such.
And heels!! 1 or 2 pairs??
Hey com'mon I've got an event.
Where to put those heels then??
My luggage is so small, dont even have space for Fiona (Shrek).
I'm gonna miss her ya know :(
Being a girl/ lady is quite troublesome when packing huh?
Don't you think so??

Hairi ask for a change of place with my bro so he could sit with me in the airplane. Wah lau then what...admire each other's face huh for 2 hours?? Hany join us la then we can become threesome! I think the Pilot will throw us out in the sky if we all sit together...kecoh rabak punye hurhurhur.

2010-12-05T00:19:00.003+08:00

I'm coming home
I'm coming home
Tell the world that I'm coming home
Let the world wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits
and they've forgiven my mistakes
I'm coming home
I'm coming home
Tell the world that I'm coming home.

2010-12-04T21:58:00.003+08:00

Well, I'm back!

After for almost a week 'losing' myself and fighting over things.

Yes you read it right, I fought again, argued.

I think I am a born fighter.

There's always no peace.

Sometimes I feel life is just like a war that I have to fight till the end.

I don't even like to pick up a fight but I just don't understand

why people like to find my faults.

Seriously I'm tired, I'm sad and I'm so upset.

It just ended like that, everything's ended,

I lost it all in the blur of start.

I swear and I promise I won't turn back.

I'm just leaving everything behind.

Do I even have a choice??

You get lost from my life and I'll get lost from your life.

I'm VERY UPSET, YOU GET IT?

Now I know the true meaning of 'Words are just words'.

Such a f***er, I knew it, like the power of instinct, promises will never come true.

I kept swallowing the bitter.

I slept through...I put myself to sleep just to console myself

that the promise will never never never come true.

When I woke up, it's true. I am right. I knew it.

Now tell me do I have all the right to be angry when promises are broken and it's the truth?

NO, right?

So morons like you affects me so badly that I totally

lost all the trust in people.

I'm trying hard not to make an enemy in my life.

I seriously nearly lost and left the real me...

or have I lost a part of the real me already? I guess so.

I did a lot of things that wasn't me....

things that people don't believe that it's Ziza at all.

And again I'm not proud of it.

Same thing....I'm immune to all the odds and bitterness in life.

Pick myself up and move on...

It's really hurting nak mampos but I'm thankful I'm still alive.

I hope my parents will pray for my well-being in life in the holy lands.

If strong wasn't enough, make me stronger.

I'm not crying..............................I really don't have tears anymore.

*Phooff*

Let's hope the next post will be a happier one.

Celebrated my advance birthday at Swensens, thanks to them

but when my upset mood sets in

I'm totally not proud to turn a year older like this.

What's the point when I don't believe in promises and I mistrust people?

2010-12-02T13:27:00.002+08:00

I stare at my reflection in the mirror

Why am I doing this to myself?

Losing my mind on a tiny error,

I nearly left the real me on the shelf.

2010-11-30T12:49:00.003+08:00

And the hidden admiration is so hidden. I can't go on if it's a taboo

and people being judgemental.

So this is me swallowing my pride....

2010-11-29T12:30:00.002+08:00

I'm so lazy to sort out my feelings right now.

I'm feeling so wrong and at the same time feeling so right.

I know it won't last or maybe it would but I'm already somewhat

very near the line of drift away zone.

I'm not feeling straight.

Let me declare...I'm feeling it all over again, I don't find man attractive anymore.

And I'm serious.

But instead...............ya I know it sounds crazy.

I just need somewhere, just somewhere to let this out cause I'm feeling this strongly again.

I don't blame anyone though. *Huge Sigh*

I know I can't have what I feel but I'm feeling different already.

I'm sorry to my being, myself...like I'm not normal.

Okay, I need distractions!! F***k it la okay.

Kid again

2010-11-25T18:57:00.002+08:00

It's raining cats and dogs again!

I got myself 'hooked' to Slyvia Ratonel's 'It's raining' song.

Had a good laugh at motorskills development course today.

I'm glad all the fun exercises and stretches reduces my pain and in

no time I'm already active on my feet and giggly back again.

It's indeed a funny day after all haha!

I just need a good laughter and being a kid again

cures it all.

Thank God.

Tomorrow there's a lot of paperwork to finish up for Kyabare Seizou.

All the best to us!

Can't wait, can't wait :D

2010-11-25T00:29:00.002+08:00

Can someone tell me what I should do?

I am feeling very very very lethargic....I'm like a walking zombie already

that I trip and fall on my knees.

Yes I had a fall. I am seriously tired.

Just what is wrong with me?

My body is not functioning again I guess.

I'm in pain, I'm not lying.

It's very painful.

I did asked someone to massage but it made no difference after that.

Can I hire a physiotherapist to come to my house anytime?

Rehab centres are only available on weekdays and closes at 5pm.

Im very tired and in pain and I have no mood at all.

Getting out of bed is really difficult.

I just want to lie down.

Why do we need to make appoinments and wait for another painful days

just to get treatment?

I think it's ridiculously insane and foolish.....stupid right...

Why are the hospitals for physiotherapy so far?

Why is there no fast recovery? Just drop the pain, recover and move on...why is there

no such things??

And lastly why me?

I am frustated. Urgh!!

2010-11-24T00:20:00.001+08:00

2010-11-20T14:52:00.005+08:00

Universal Studios!!

Still can't get enough of it, I will definitely go again :D

I survived the roller coasters

No puking haha I took my pills in the morning at least it saved me.

But it was damn terrifying la that I literally shivered.

Didn't expect it too be in really high speed.

And I really, really, really love the Far Far Away Castle!

It was magnificent and beautiful...managed to catch

the Shrek 4D show.

I wonder whether my ex date, Lutfi is working that day in the sound room.

I kept looking back at the window of the sound room in the theatre

Oh well...he promised to bring me to USS one day with free pass but...

dah takde jodoh kan haha.

Nvm I still got the admission for free, it's a retreat lor! Best kan?

Till next time with cousins or with bestest of friends!

Then, we had dinner at the CC rooftop.

It's 'Cowboy' s theme yeeehaaaa...

Food was superb,

line dance was superb,

company was superb

the whole day was a superb one!

And the most sweetest thing is that I won myself a

Swarovski pen for the lucky draw :)

I'm loving it. I just have to engraved my name on it .

Yeeehaaaa Cowgirls in the house!

Next project, Oi! Skago for Kyabare Seizou bye!

2010-11-15T17:59:00.002+08:00

Suke eh buat keje macam ni??

Seronok kan?? Manyak susah hor jadi ini macam single...haiya! Why me? Banyak lagi yang single kan...

Help! Help! Die tak betol...tak nak aku...Hide! Hide! Larrriiiii!!

Tolong ar selamatkan aku!

Crowne

2010-11-14T12:28:00.005+08:00

Crowne

Next, stop please. I want to bowl, nak lepaskan geram haha.

I've yet to find my brown outfit for event in Perak and checkered shirt for 'Cowboy' theme yeeehaaaaa!

Universal Studios here I comeeeee...like finally kan?

2010-11-14T11:22:00.002+08:00

Let's just forget everything and move on.

I'm still gonna stick to my plan.

I don't know about others but in my life, I've to learn to be brave enough to bring myself to wherever I go, be independent. Nothing's permanent.

I can run away as far as I want but I know fate will always follow me.

So let's have a toast to this life. No one is gonna survive forever anyway heh.

It's raining

2010-11-13T15:32:00.003+08:00

It's raining! Gotta find a way to get away, get away!!So much of a shocking news...boo ar! Boo again! Work is like a boo, giving me another boo to cry for. And...and...and I couldn't take it anymore. Okay I admit I like him but he doesn't know. I'm sad you know. I like him but I can't tell him. There's a girl with him all along but they're not together. They're close and I'm not sure who is she but I don't want to be a busybody to just barge in their 'blossoming' relationship which I don't know! Everytime he updates his FB status, I was like haiya omg...don't you even think about me? Then I saw the girl reply to his status and so on and so on.....why is it not me instead? Isn't it sucky? Maybe I've know him way
before she knows him but why didn't I get the chance??

But then again, maybe I'm the one clapping with one hand. Eh sucks eh....why do I always have to be the one watching other's happiness that I sacrifice pass me by? I sacrifice you know, I didn't tell. I just keep quiet. Same goes to the past. I know things that they don't know. If I'm evil, I'll just do anything to fight for my happiness but I just shut up. I'll surely know there will be fights and whatsoever but I don't want to make a big fuss out of it. It's their life, not mine to deal with...the one who should deal with decisions is God. So now what? Should I just let it be or delete his FB, delete everything like I always do and let their happiness pass me by....and bla bla bla...life kau macam tu eh ziza? Sacrifice, kesian kan orang, tolong orang end up diri sendiri sedih. And I hate this.....I got the feeling after this I have another agenda of hating men I don't like. Tak tau lagi? Lari ar ape lagi, tak suke ape. This part memang aku benci sekali. Why do I always have to meet the wrong ones?? Waste of time you know! Yang aku suke tak bole together ke? I like him :(

Mom and Dad havn't call yet....wondering how they're doing now. One month!!! Lamenye!!! I need the monkeys now, and cousins and everyone *hugs*

2010-11-11T22:30:00.003+08:00

OH! WRITTEN IN THE STARS, A MILLION MILES AWAY A MESSAGE TO THE MAIN OOOOOHH.....okay everybody singggg and SCREEEAAAMMM!! I'm exceptionally crazy right now...tomorrow confirm menangis non-stop punye...boo ar! Oh whatever...Hello to whoever reading my blog...I know you're reading, best sangat kan blog ni?? HAHA. Hello and Hie and Goodbye!!

Com'on continue!! OH! WRITTEN IN THE STARS, A MILLION MILES AWAY....!

2010-11-07T16:35:00.001+08:00

I miss someone that I shouldn't miss.

How's that?

This feeling is really silly, right?

Sigh just let it go...let it go...let it go.

Love, give it away

2010-11-06T23:11:00.003+08:00

A Reminder to SELF;

A bell is no bell 'til you ring it,
A song is no song 'til you sing it,
And love in your heart
Wasn’t put there to stay -
Love isn’t love'
Til you give it away.
~Oscar Hammerstein, Sound of Music, "You Are Sixteen (Reprise)"

I knew it's gonna be a very emotional week for me especially when this is the first time in my whole life my folks are gonna leave me for such a long time. And it's not like they just leave me like that, it's like they're gonna leave me with uncertainty whether they will come back again ...for whatever happens Mom has prepared me 'mentally' to Redha, just pray and leave it to God. Whooo this is heartbreaking...keep consoling myself not to cry but I will still cry in silence. I'm sure gonna miss them, especially Mom. I know I have not been the best daughter that she wanted but I know she still wants the very best for me. She worries alot but I know what she's concerned about. No matter what, I'll still keep her advise with me wherever I go.
And the emotional thing is that...I will be very much, Home Alone. Boo!
Hmm...I'll occupy myself with work as much as I can and keep the house clean :)
Till then...good night stars, good night moon, good night world.

2010-11-06T11:20:00.004+08:00

Speak of the devil, I had throat infection...and didn't know the effect

was so bad!!

I had high fever.

I felt so cold and then hot and then very cold again and it's driving me insane.

Believe it or not I went to 'dry' myself out in the hot sun with a shawl

wrapped around me

and I still feel cold.

I had weird stares because they think I'm crazy but I think they're crazy too!

Never see sick people before is it??

I'm giddy.

But on top of all is, I can't speak properly.

My pronounciation is bad, my tongue still swells.

BOO!! :(

I can't go to the interview...I'm still unwell.

Can't talk properly then how to go right?

But at least I'm happy cause you know what??

MY MOM HAS GIVEN ME THE GREEN LIGHT WOOHOOOO!!

Do you know how difficult it is just to convince her?

I'm still unsure whether I can get BUT the important thing is I have her blessings :)

But she gave me a timeline and I've agreed to take it and will see how it goes.

Of course after that she asked me when do I want to get married then?

Alah tu belakang punye story la kan..

It has always been the same thing but I keep consoling myself that I'm strong

enough to go through it all.

I don't want to be compared to others.

My life and their life is different.

Doesn't mean everybody starts to settle down, I have to follow suit too right?

Their soulmate is already there but mine is still somewhere to be found...so

what do everyone expect me to do? Bite my fingers? No, right?

Maybe God has another plan for me.

But I'm not closing my heart.

For now, I've to recover!! A.S.A.P!

And hope this throat infection won't be a monthly tingy

like everbody claimed to be, if not I mampossss...

It's really draining my energy.

2010-11-02T23:51:00.003+08:00

It's finally over!!! Trust me I'm glad and thankful because I'm able to get out of it. I got drifted away, abused, I've hold back countless times but I'm so moving on now. He's hard to forget not because he is such a WOW or an awesome guy, but he will be remembered because he is such an asshole. I'm much more happier now. I choose to be happy. I know what I want. Love is to respect, not abused. If you're an abuser, just get out of my life.

I think I deserve all the good treats life gave me. I've had a fair share of ups and downs this year. Isn't it a good thing that I treat myself for holidays/ getaways after going through this year? I know some might say why does she have to go holidays all the time? Let me tell you why. It's because I need it. It's like a therapy. A therapy to 'recover'. The most challenging times is when I fall sick. I thought I would die from all the pain (haha so timid I know) but I survived. I'm worried sick if it might lead to critical illness. I'm young you know and not married but well, nothing is impossible ya know. One minute I could be healthy and alright and the next minute I could be so down and sick. Let me share. I'm not proud to say that the male doctors have had examine my body and have seen my body parts but when you're in pain, you had no choice but to let it be treated by the experts. All along I've been hoping, they could only touch me when I give birth to a child. I guess in life you don't need to hope hehe. That is why I've learn to appreciate life more and the key to lead life is to be happy :)

As I'm typing these, I don't know what could happen next. It's unusual. I felt a lump in my throat. My tongue is swelling and is already mounting up to the upper gum and it feels heavy. What is this huh? Go to the doctor! But lazy la...let's just hope nothing's serious. Oh wait I remember I can't hope :X

Firework

2010-10-31T17:40:00.003+08:00

*Firework*!! I just love this song as it sends a message of staying positive even if you have a bigger problem than anything and nothing is impossible!! And aren't Katy Perry gorgeous?? Indeed she is! She just got married with Rusell Brand in India...aawwwww....happy marriage to them.

Happy Halloween

2010-10-31T03:00:00.003+08:00

Spooktacular at Sentosa was a blast from the hell!

I don't know which one is more louder...my laughter or my screaming LOL. It was more of I was laughing because I was shocked plus the excitement and everything in there seems a hell lot of chaos. At least, I was thrilled hehe. The 'ghosts' and the mad people seems to be a lot more irritating than last year's. They're violent like that. This year they crept out from nowhere under the floor and ready to just grab anyone's leg. Mintak kene smack kan?

And my other friend is already *panicking at the disco*...she sprint all the way in front leaving us behind...really funny ar I tell you hahahahaha. And fom that chaotic scene I just got myself bruised marks on my arms and wrist. It must have been someone who had grabbed me real hard in the middle of panicking with the 'ghosts'. Tsk. Once again I have to mention that the 'ghost' are super irritating because they went right up to our faces just to scare us but they had to walk away because I'm brave enough to give them the 'I'm not scared' stare (mau step berani je) and they kept blocking our way along the trail so I guess I had no choice than saying 'Excuse Me' to them hehehe.

We've got a breather when we ride the sky ride in the middle of the night..twice..kiasu mah. We want the package to really worth our bucks and hell yeah it is! We were expecting to see some 'ghosts' sitting on the other side of the seats while in the air but Sentosa was kind enough to spare us and just let us have a breather for a while from all the ghosts and enjoy the night breeze. The atmosphere was freaky romantic especially with two loud gals with me ahahaha. I'm glad that we had time to finished all 4 attractions; The Wax Museum, The Mad Village, The Curse Island and the Night SkyRide even
before 11. 30PM. This time they're really strategic. No more long boring queus and the attractions were split into 4 different locations and everything closes at 11PM. Great, I'm impressed Sentosa!

Oh ya! I bought the cheap promo witch hat which flew off whenever the wind blows and I had to took it off most of the time but it goes well with my outfit that night. I was wearing the little black dress, my black stockings and my black flats. Feeling-feeling Sabrina the Teenage Witch la kirekan...Next year must go again! It's a must, must, must.

And this gf of mine just thought me how to be pretty insane like her...guess what we will do? Whenever the car travels through the tunnel, we will wind down the windows and SCCCRREEAAAAAMMmmmm OUT LOUD. Mat2 motor confirm terperanjat punye HAHAHA.

Happy Halloween Everyone!! :D

cut my hair

2010-10-26T18:34:00.003+08:00

And I just cut my hair...

Whenever I cut my hair means there's something wrong...it's already a habit.

So ya there's something wrong going on but I choose to ignore it.

To ignore is the best option for now.

Anyway, I've downloaded an employment application from the net.

Still considering whether to go on to the interview.

I'm still not confident yet...the requirements seems so perfect

and I'm imperfect.

It's gonna be a tough one...how??

I've tried to talk to my folks about this job but they will always

sidetrack to my responsibilities and etc when they're at the holy land, Mecca.

This job....they will surely have the pros and cons of it. I'm afraid they won't let me off.

They're flying off verryyyy sooonnnn...it makes me nervous but I've tried to convince

myself that everything's gonna be alright.

To tell the truth, I've put aside my dreams at the very back of my mind...

I'm just simply moving on right now.

Awesome

2010-10-24T16:42:00.002+08:00

Sometimes it just slips away...

There's a lot actually that I've wanted to tell you
but it's just not mean to be told to you...are you gone for good dear?
Oh well...I'm gonna say this to myself,
you're gone for good
you're gone for good
you're gone for good
you're gone for good
you're gone for good...

P.S I'm back to basic again..no sighing please. Turn life as awesome as can be.

Tell me the truth

2010-10-23T03:41:00.003+08:00

Tell me something truthfully.
The truth is a mystery...I don't know the future I'm just enjoying the moment but I know it won't last.
Moment as in 'us'? Yes
You know I'm happy too.
:) ...but well you should realise that one day I will be gone from your life.
And what would you do then?
It's either I'm really gone from this world or I'll be gone to continue my life.

Didn't know I'm that brave to utter such things...like I have taken the power from powerpuff girls or power ranger right? Hehe...well I'm prepared. Soon, I'll be gone...goodbye or the story still continues well I don't know...I don't think I need to succumb myself to think hard enough about what's going to happen next. I'm seriously enjoying every bit and every moment of my life now. I'll always ask myself of 'What if tomorrow never comes?'. Of course I want the best out of my life. I don't want to die in despair. Well, there's a row of toast to end the year 2010. First is our Kyabare Seizou second event, Oiskago Ska Gig in November. I'm looking forward to December. My birthday, the back to back flight from Ipoh, Perak, touch down Sg and then will fly all the way to Bali again! The best part is I'm flying with my bff, Syikin Hartnett! We're making a comeback to Bali..reminds me of Eat, Pray, Love hehe. I'll try to find Kutet in Bali ;)

She's not easy

2010-10-23T02:55:00.001+08:00

If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing.

2010-10-20T00:05:00.002+08:00

So this is what all left of me....this song. All written here is for me.

helloooooooooo

2010-10-19T23:43:00.003+08:00

Her: You tau tak jadi perempuan ni kadang2 macam tak betul. Yesterday we can be very sad,
tadi pagi disappointed, petang happy-go-lucky, malam excited...tml tak tau ape feeling.

Him: I rase you sorg je macam gini haha

Her: That's why I'm unique lol!!! Hahaha

Him: True enough tapi tak betul jugak la

Because I knew nothing last forever...nothing. Sooner or later they will all disappear.

2010-10-18T16:10:00.002+08:00

I felt so cheated today. So disappointed....but why must it always be me?? WHY??? There's no wonder why I'm so cold and hard. I'm cursing and swearing at the wind. Wahlau...I need to sleep..doze off my worries away.

:)

2010-10-18T10:08:00.001+08:00

Graduation 2010 goes well. For the first time, I've got the chance

to sit down and watched the whole performance but I have to secretly laughed to myself

seeing the kids performing because I've to sit alone in the audience while the other

monkeys were all sitting on the 2nd floor. Sungguh cute and funny!! But it's okay, at least I got to relaxed and enjoy the show after doing the makeups for the dancers and helping out

throughout preparing the big event :)

Alejandro, alejandro!! I am in a very 'menyampah' mode now. Freaking annoying

benci ar...I'm trying every way to escape but cannot ar...susah ar nak cakap. You and anyone or everyone who intend or thinking about something please stop because it's not going to happen..

I mean it well....so before I really do an escape, please stop it...I'm hating it so so much.

I don't care with this 'they say if', very cliche saying whatever the whole lot of nonsense there

because I don't live by those beliefs. If I hate means I hate, don't expect me to 'accidentally' like.

There's no such things for ziza so thank you very much.

Online shopping lagi bessttt!! I just got to know a very good supplier...and I am going to

be super crazy about this heh. :)

Okay bye I'm on a mission!

No work today hooray!

Trauma

2010-10-15T01:00:00.003+08:00

I choose to believe that everything else is a coincidence.

Purely coincidence..Okay maybe I'm lying...I'm just trying to convince myself.

First and foremost, I'm traumatic.

If you've experience trauma, even the simplest things can be insurmountable.

Trauma won't just go away over time.

People who had experienced trauma would know this because

we repeatedly relive the trauma instead of remembering it.

When my heart starts racing fast and I hardly breathe, bite my lips, gripped my hands tight, my face expression changed and a teardrop just roll down my cheek...

then I know I'm in trauma.

I can only istighfar and pray to God repeatedly in my heart.

That's so traumatising...

I pray that everyone's gonna be fine, safe and sound but I know how it feels like to be

in trauma...you're not crying because of the injury, the wound or the blood.

You're crying because you're in agony and shocked.

Traumatising because you just experience a near death experience.

How could I simply forget if it wouldn't for the pole in front of me in the van,

then I'd already be flown out of the front mirror of the vehicle and lying aimlessly on the road.

I am thankful for the minor injury but until today I can't forget how I was asked to shut up just to save the driver from the blame....yes I shut myself up when he's at fault, FUCK that.

So ya you see...that driver's 'unguiltiness' was far more important from my life, I've understood that all along but it's okay, never mind....

There's nothing else I can do except having to live with a trauma..

and that's why I didn't want to drive....I'm scared.

And that was in 2004...sighhh.

2010-10-13T20:14:00.002+08:00

WHAT IF someone wants a comeback....what say you?

Caaabbbuuutttt, Laaaarrriiiiii or STAY!!

It's between nak ke tak nak aje....right? Macam faham jer..

Hehe nak bagi answer susah! Worse than O levels exams!!

2010-10-11T01:08:00.002+08:00

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth hahahaha...oh gosh! Life still goes on man...and it's Monday! Monday is so blue and I've yet to finish up painting and constructing the fireplace. Speaking of which, I already got my outfit for Sunday's event. It's worth every dollar that I paid for that outfit but my freaking stubborn hair couldn't even manage to tie up into a bun. Whatever la huh. How time flies..the year is approaching to an end soon and suddenly all I knew I'd already turn 22 and then 23. But till today and just yesterday, and again they thought I'm 17 or 18 year old. I know I look like a geek or a nerd still in school right? Like so selenge right with my specs hahaha...lens are so irritating and I've been warn that I could probably already have infection so wearing lens is actually not advisable for me. I can go blind! I wanna change my frame la, change to the black frame again....that way, will look more selenge hehe. Being selenge is cool mah. Okay till later, keep smiling everyone!

2010-10-10T03:26:00.003+08:00

I have kept the deepest and darkest secret in my heart

but I decided to share it with someone.

At least, it feels good to tell someone about it.

And how I had survived through it all till this very moment

and of every breathe that I inhaled,

It's a miracle...

I didn't know the strength that I had until being strong is the only choice I have.

Eat, Pray, Love

2010-10-08T19:18:00.004+08:00

Eat, Pray, Love

The moment I knew it will be showing on the 7th October, I had long waited for the day to come.

Hence, straight away after work I rushed to the movies to purchase a ticket. You see it right.

A ticket. That means one. I watched it alone.

Eh I sound like a freak, right?

I knew it's better to watched alone because I knew I'm gonna cry.

I did not want anyone to see me crying this time round.

I could really connect to her like we're in the same boat..it's just that our life

are different.

Sometimes you make an abrupt decision because YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY.

Is there even a need to have a why there?

Sometimes I do things and think with 'I don't know why'

And just like her, I'm in serious trouble

because I don't know what to do now.

My body is somewhere stuck in a place but my mind, soul and heart is in somewhere else.

And maybe, just maybe I've not forgiven myself.

I've not forgiven myself for failing over things.

There's a time for everything and the strongest thing ever is to pray...

Physically I might always be a lonesome, but HE's always with me...watching over me.

I might be upset with things that happens in a day but from now I'll remind

myself to enjoy every joyful moments that happens in that day...I believe there's

always something for me to smile at even though the day has been a dreadful one.

Life's a thick book but the answers aren't at the back, you know.

I don't want to search for an answer anymore.

My past and whoever is in my past is a great Teacher to me

and for that, this is truly not sarcastic...I just wanna say Thank you.

And to you-know-who,

if you're reading this...

it was an unexpected miss call from you

but hey whatever that has happened between us...it is all past pages in my book of life.

I had loved you...and you had once loved me too

and that was the most beautiful feeling ever...ever in my life.

Maybe I've not say it to you before or I'm just too lost in my emotionally never-ending

unhappiness towards you....but..

Thank you for loving me and having me once in your lifetime.

You're amazing at some point of time in my eyes when no one sees it.

Yours truly,

Laforet Ziza BlackRouge

2010-10-03T10:52:00.003+08:00

It's true Nelly, it was only just a dream...

SQUEEZE BRAIN

2010-10-01T18:15:00.006+08:00

I feel like squeezing my brain. I feel sick inside. I just want to be out in the sun. Wish the heat can suck out my mucus because it is so irritating. I 'm having cold. Yesterday, I bleed again. I'm startled when I saw blood. I 'forced' myself cause I'm not at ease at all. I don't want to go check ups yet. I'll give myself time. I believe I can handle whatever I'm going through now. And again the therapist asked me randomly whether am I dieting. Did I skip my meals? I wonder why he asked me those questions again. Do I look weak and lacking of nutritions? I guess so haha. Wish I can get well the soonest. Anyway, found Swenswens in Ion Orchard. Don't know right there's Swensens?? Yes but the place so ulu...right at the back as you know Ion is so confusing. Had dinner with G but it's a pity Kinn couldn't make it, she's stuck in the office even after 10.30pm so sian right? It's okay will meet another time, my besties.

And I found this!

RSAF pilots have to make an emergency landing because of mechanical problem. And where does it land?? In an open field between Woodlands Avenue 12 and Woodlands Drive 64. It is where grandmama and auntie lives. No wonder the place so familiar...cool huh? Cool your head la, ziza! My otak tengah sort la.

2010-09-29T23:56:00.004+08:00

If life was chocolates and marshmallows, it would have been great :)

And these are actually all served solely and specially just for me...all mine!

Ya very selfish right?

I know..haha...but I couldn't finish all up la of course

but I'm still dreaming of it till today...

marshmallows in chocolate fondue and chocolate tarts omg..*melts*

For the past few days, I've been a little bit under the weather...

too tired and the same old thing again.

I've realised as I get older, I eventually becomes more tired and drained.

By the time weekends arrives, I'm already slowing down.

I might need a strong encouragement to change my diet.

If I couldn't do it, then I'll have to pay a visit to capital 'H' again..so bluerghh like that.

The thing is, it keeps coming and went away....

and I don't like all these dieting things but

no proper diet equals to pain. Do I have a choice then?

It's like dealing with something so 'serious' and no fun at all.

I think something's affecting me lately also....

and this is no fun at all too.

Oh well....

Oh well again....good luck to me. When I don't know what else to do, I'll just let nature takes it's course.

Realize

2010-09-25T01:23:00.002+08:00

Once upon a time, there was a girl that was too afraid to even realise....

Eat Pray Love

2010-09-22T01:45:00.004+08:00

Eat Pray Love. I saw it weeks ago in its published book while I was roaming alone. It was an eye-catcher. I should have just grab that book and bought it! Of course I'm going to watch it and movies like these watching alone, it's better. Doesn't it just describes what I'm in now?? So close like that. I don't feel like doing anything, really other than just letting myself go, break away, be free, fly away, travel...yes that's the way. All this life, I'm always searching for something....completely concern about being perfect...I've been with the guys and breaking up with the guys....I have not given myself two weeks of a breather just to deal with myself and the lines goes on..isn't it so cliche? I just bought myself a bright orangey pink dress perfect for a beach just to pleased me....so you see hmmm ;)

No more prince

2010-09-22T00:08:00.003+08:00

Dreams comes true.

Don't try so hard,

the best things come when you least expect them to.

To believe or not to believe?

It's quite hard to believe, at least to me.

The truth is, I already lost it, I'm late.

Prince is not there anymore...like he's gone...vanish into thin air (sounds common right?)

Well I didn't tell him, he didn't know..he will never know.

He's with someone else now.

I'm bored with this story...*yawnnnn*

Ignore better la huh? But to ignore this is what I get.

I'm like a sore loser when it comes to this.

I'm not gonna be sad over this.

It's like yesterday's and yesterday's and yesterday's stories. Foolish.

And I'm bored of Singapore...god! I wanna fly!!

Feel like I'm restricted..I wanna break free and see the world.

Going to book a flight soon maybe tomorrow...let's get out of Sg la please.

What if I just close one eye and do something least expect?

Let's just be brave and do it.

Well for now, let me do the honour of being a princess to me and only me.

When I'm 50 years old and long live, I want to know that I have lived for ME

and not for other people.

Broken arrow

2010-09-16T21:25:00.009+08:00

After every therapy, I always had this heart felt feeling. Like that sad feeling and conscious feeling seeing all the other patients are way too old than me. I had weird stares everytime I walked in the Rehab Centre. Be it the other therapist and the other patients. I know they must be thinking what is this young lady doing here in the Rehab Centre. They get more awed whenever I paid my therapy at the counter. Ya, hello I need therapy just like the other old folks. What to do...this is one of the story in my book of life. I will always walk down that alley and listened to musics and this is one of the songs. Broken Arrows by Pixie Lott. It tells a story of my life too. I'll type it down later. Therapist says I need to eat more, take in calcium because I'm weak and he asked whether I'm on a diet...haha...NO of course not but yeah at times I had problem eating especially when I'm sick, no appetite at all. I can go without consuming food for one whole day. Just now, I can't even lift up my toes when he did the check up...haiz kenapelah kau weak zah?? But I had a good rest and I even take a nap during the therapy when he puts the hot pack on my back. Feels really good and relaxed. I had an ultrasound and IFT too. I still have to undergo therapy again the following week. Still, I have to be positive. It's hard on me but I'm just following the flow of life. The personal side, I think it's just sucky as always. I like somebody for a very long time but I just don't have the courage to tell him. We had an instant connection the moment we knew each other. Maybe I'm sick and you know what? Some guys just dislike sick girls. Being sick is like a nuisance to them. I just don't want to be a burden. He knows about my illness and he seems not bothered much. Isn't it sad? But hey if he can't accept me when I'm at my worst then he doesn't deserve me when I'm at my best. Or maybe it's good to remain only as a friend. But what if it's the right one at a wrong time? Is there such a thing? It's like I have a broken arrow in me and a hero who can't save me. Feel love but can't embrace the love. And what have I just pour out about? Love eh?? Hahahaha..so funny you know...me and love just doesn't have connection. But I like him...what should I do? Remain silent and just let go?

2010-09-15T19:37:00.003+08:00

Screamingggg....SAKITTTT LAAAA!!

I is SAKIT again...it's painful!!!

I've been skipping my medicines and I've been neglecting the exercises...mampos la.

Padan muke aku kan?

Haiya tomorrow I'll be going Physiotherapy again...

Luckily, I've made appointment...tak tahan lagi sakit sangat.

Did I strained myself? Yessss...hehe...

Work still have to go on mah....and I've got to admit la I'm rough, I just want

to be quick and do everything as quick as possible.

Most of the times, I don't even remember to take care of my movements,

my illness, my sickness etc...

So ya here's the consequences...take that!!

So it's back to basics again...regularly take medicines, excercise,

therapy, be extra careful of my movements...ish boring betol!!

Sakit, sakit, sakit, sakit to the maximum....every movement is a pain argghhh!!

Okay I need therapy, painkiller, diclofenac, anarex, hot pack and everything RIGHT NOW!!!

2010-09-12T17:38:00.008+08:00

Selamat Hari Raya Everyone!!
Hari Raya was a blast, awesome, great, bombastic and happy days for me.

I wished everyday would be Hari Raya cause I can meet my uncles, aunties, cousins,

nephews and nieces! Best kan...

And know what? This year I still get my duit raya hahahaha...

Abang-abang sedareku kasi lagi...thank you so much la eh hehe.

Photos are cousins from Mom's side...there's a lot more cousins actually but

kite je yang melebih-lebih ambik gambar.

Dad's side photos belum upload eh...part nak upload2 gambar

semue pemalas ye macam saya hehe.

Okay saya ade sikit excited actually pasal saya akan

terbang ke awan biru ke luar negara this December with cousins!

Something important to attend to....hmm

that means right...err can I celebrate my birthday in the airplane??

Style kan...celebrate birthday in the airplane? Bole lah...nanti tak malu

bawak birthday cake sendiri naik aeroplane haha.

And alhamdulilah I'm good and fine during Raya...the month of Ramadhan

is challenging for me but I know it's all part of my 'dugaan' in life.
I already know my inner strength and my weaknesses.

Things happen certainly for a reason...and I learn to accept it even though
at first I keep blaming myself, my surroundings and everything when unwanted
things happened...kene banyak bersabar babe.

I keep telling myself that I'm very fortunate compared to others...

at least I can still wake up from my bed, breathe the air

and not bed ridden or can't walk at all.

See how so fortunate you are Ziza...

This Ramadhan has certainly changed a part of my life.

Because of my sickness, I had bond with a lot of people

and I had become more closer to those I am not in previous times.

Same goes to my cousins...I have a lot of cousins to begin with and sometimes
we can become strangers to each other just because we're not close.

And thank you to God again this Ramadhan for the first time ever

I felt this very 'special bond' between all of us.

And there's one more thing that Ramadhan brings me...

It's something so exquisite, so definite, no words can describe how special it is :)

I shall keep it low for now, it's really the beginning but I never felt something like this before...and the rest is up to God, really.

When I'm ready, I will be ready.

If it's my destiny, it's like a fairy tale come true.

If it's not, I will accept it. There's a lot that God gives us actually. It's just

awaiting for us to discover it like a hidden treasure. Tuhan tu sayang kite kan?

Haiz...happynye...shall we keep this happiness all the way? Hehe

Praises to Allah for everything.

Close cousins...I love them!

Okay everyone let's continue our jalan raya! Yeah!

2010-09-05T16:57:00.003+08:00

Enough of tears and sadness! I had enough. Thanks to all supportive people around me. Hopefully I can continue my fast before Hari Raya. Make myself useful, do some errands for Mom, I've yet to do shopping at Geylang for her too but let Dad drive because I still can't carry things (She asked me to buy curtains okay!) Talking about pain, it's still pain la...but I'm trying to forget pain. Know what I did? I played GAMES!! Can you believe that??! Ziza played games. Can't wait for Hari Raya...can't wait to meet everybody again.

RECOVER

2010-09-04T10:47:00.002+08:00

I was true blue yesterday.
I cried before I finally slept.
I woke up and cry again.
In fact, the whole morning I cried.
Mom gave me a booster pill which is so huge like 2.5cm and expect me to swallow it.
It looks just like a cockroach egg case...eww..I throw up.
Of course I cried the whole time again, its dreadful to even swallow that pill.
I really have no appetite...I see noodles as worms and rice as some insects eggs...yucks!
I'm starting to hate whatever's on my plate.
The only thing that I ate is chocolates.....thank god I'm starting to eat a little bit today.
I'm so emotional...I can't even bring myself to do anything.
All I did is stared at the blank wall and my tears just flows down like water.
My thoughts are just so mixed up like a tornado.
I feel tired. Maybe tired of crying.
I'm sick of looking so sick.
Its like I have no protection against illness.
I went to work and things starts again.
My sick conscience is so great, I swear I would want to kill it if I had the chance to.
I've got to thank a lot to my colleagues and my vice-principal for being so understanding and caring.
They asked me to go home but I just refused...I did not want to be alone.
Being alone makes me insane....after this can see psychiatrist already haha.
I've promised myself not to cry today.
Anarex and Diclofenac calms me down, thanks.
But it will only last for 8 hours.
I've yet to get my hot pack.
The hot pack is actually part of my therapy also.
I remembered the physiotherapist put it on me.
Sighhh..at first, I was really losing hope and that I would always be falling sick like forever.
I know there's a chance to recover but it also depends on my mentality.
It sucks to think that I'm suffering from all these pain at such a young age....people said this and that, it is so discouraging. Do you think I really want it?
First it was that painfully dying thing and I had to go TTSH and then now I had another pain and had to go to Rehab Centre.
But I've learnt that in this life no matter how young you are or how old you are any possible things can happen to you, even death won't spare you.
I admit I'm scared going through all these alone.
I'm scared I might have complications in the future.
I feel so handicapped right now. I felt old already. Not able to strain myself and be more active.
I'm not able to walk quickly like before, run, jump and even dance properly...this is crazy!
And SADLY, I've been advised not to wear high heels or stilettos on Hari Raya but errrr.....I'm travelling in a car....so can I wear it?
Please pity me la...I want to wear...so sad like that, I want to be happy.
I'm looking forward to the next therapy at least I'm taken care of and the therapist attend to me when I'm in the Rehab Centre.
It feels good to get treatment....yes, I can recover.
Pray for my well-being and health.

WEAK!!

2010-09-02T18:31:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling very very very tired and down right now.

I went to the doctor and was sent straight to a Rehab Centre

to undergo physiotherapy.

So sadded la...don't know what else to say about my body.

My spine is already so bend and curved that it needs to be straighten up again.

Sigh...but I must be positive.

The physiotherapist says I must take time to relax

and only then 20% of the pain will be reduce.

So before I bend and break, I finally went to do something about it

and luckily, it was an early detection.

Physiotherapy was good at least it ease the pain a bit

and I must routinely do the excercise at home too.

I'll still have to see my physiotherapist regularly for now and take some more pills...boohoo

nak nangis ar brape byk obat nak kene telan :(

Then keje lagi, must take leave lagi, personal life lagi,

at home not helping either,

pressure lagi...

SAYA STRESS.

How to relax?

I really wish someone can take me away for a while on a rocket and

blast off from all these!

Okay, okay..be positive Ziza, positive.

OMG!!

2010-09-01T20:39:00.001+08:00

OMG!!!

Oh my god!!

This is for REAL.

I'm really panicking at the disco right now. Haha!

Tak nak la pressure2 nanti confirm sakit.

Seriously I'm not avoiding it,

but I'm waiting like buah tak jatuh like that...that's how Mom described it.

She even encourage me to grab every opportunity, be quick and fast cause

the way she sees it is I'm wayyyy too relax....chill ar my jodoh cannot

just drop from the sky and 'pop' in front of me right?

The bestest thing is she has not find out yet that actually

my bestfriends and girlfriends are all attached.

If she already know which I suspected will be the soonest...

then I'll be more errr stress.

The one thing that makes me wanna cry is she's really

giving me a dateline this time round. For real k, tak bedek.

She had asked me to find my own till the day she come back from 'Haji'

which is on the 11 December 2010 to be exact.

And that is only like 4 months left!!

Now tell me where can I find my soulmate in 4 months??!!

If I fail to find one..I'll be matchmake and

terus masuk meminang and then kahwin.

Sungguhlah classic...macam zaman dulu-dulu.

But matchmaking is not something new to me.

I do have a lot trying to help me to find suitors but semuanya belum menjadi

or tak menjadi...haha why ar? Is it because I just kept quite and just smile

or maybe I'm just too fussy, or tak kuasa,

or time tu macam dah malas nak fikir.

I don't know....I admit it's hard to please me.

I believe that feeling will only come when the first time

we meet and it just happens.

I believe in the 'first time'.

It's not plan by human but it's already plan by God.

If only I could ask Mom to ask God where's my soulmate...sighhh...

As for now, I'm seriously leaving it to fate...

Who doesn't long and wants someone to love?

I've not even recover yet and my back still aches every now and then.

It's painful even when I'm typing now.

I'm late for my period and I have no appetite and know what? I've lost weight.

Now, what signs is this?

I just dislike to be pressurised cause it can cause consequences to my health.

I'm tired physically and emotionally.

But it's okay I will not give up and close my heart forever.

In fact, I'm ready it's just that the one is not here yet.

So please Mr. Soulmate...I'm not desperate here

but just say 'Hello' to me when you happen to pass me by ya.

Monkeys love

2010-09-01T13:17:00.003+08:00

The good old times like we had before...

Yes, I love them!

Thank you for the memories, the laughter and the cries.

May God bless our friendship till eternity.

Happy and gay!

2010-09-01T12:12:00.002+08:00

31 August

So happy and gay gitu lol!

We're so gay eh Hany??

So right after Ika berjoget-joget, gelek-gelek di tengah2 Geylang...

We were approached by 'Wicken', the lovely ladies :)

They invited us to gave a shoutout on video,

"Selamat Hari Raya Wicken!!!"

Please find us and tag at Facebook okay!

Abih happy ar..seronok?

This is during the ACES and we had mini sports day/ games for them.

So today is 1st September. It's Teacher's day!!

Holiday orhhhh!!

So no cookies but I received brownies and not forgetting chocolates :D

Heh...awesome...I intend to bake brownies for Hari Raya.

So till then...see the rest of you in the Raya festive!

WHAT IF

2010-08-28T09:10:00.003+08:00

I surely have a lot of WHAT IF in life.

Especially when I think about the fond memories I had in life

and those I had met along the way and said goodbye.

I believe FATE is very strong...if there is, there is.

If there's no way then there's no way at all.

I've seen and witnessed of what fate brings people to...

Some had their fate beautifully written for them and some just had to built up

their patience and be stronger and pray for a miracle to happen.

We all had different path in life, no two person are alike.

We can't tell the future...

So what if...what if happens?